The Ultimate Trad-Mobile

As I was making my journey into traditional Catholicism, I noticed an abundance of patterns. One of the most noticeable to me is the preponderance of large vehicles parked outside the churches on Sunday. They are sometimes GMC/Chevrolet Suburbans, but more often Ford E-series vans or Chevrolet Express vans. Actually the Ford E-series, in “fleet white,” seems to dominate, at least in the parishes where I live.



There are so many that you can almost recognize a traditional parish better by the vans than by any exterior church feature (except maybe the sign if there is one).

In case you haven’t already figured out the reason why there are so many vans, it is because traditional Catholics are significantly more likely to procreate and less likely to use contraceptive measures or birth control. Families of 8-12 are not unusual. It seems that eight is the critical number. Minivans and Suburban have a capacity of seven. Making the transition to the full-length van is a quasi rite-of-passage for some fathers.

The “great white van” has become almost a comical diversion for me. I count the number of them to assess the relative orthodoxy of a parish. While this is surely an inaccurate measure, it is probably better than any other superficial measure. Mission statements, sermons, and the physical appearance of the parishioners can all be wildly misleading. Having a dozen children, on the other hand, is a pretty good indicator that you are at least serious about the faith.

Well, my discussions of the “great white vans” have become experience in the last year. Two of the traditional families I interact with have them. One family has a 12 passenger Ford E-350, and the other has a 12 Passenger E-350 and a Standard Wheelbase E-350 Cargo Van. All three of these vehicles have in excess of 200,000 miles on them. It is not unheard of a great white going well over a quarter-million miles. I am familiar with their abilities, like hauling 10 kids and 500 pounds of firewood, and I am familiar with their annoyances, like behind-the-rear-axel syndrome (BRA)—a strange type of motion sickness that is exacerbated by praying the Rosary.

What the great whites lack in handling, acceleration, elegance, ride-comfort, fuel economy, and comfort they make up in sheer brutish force and stamina. They are like barns on wheels. Sturdy, voluminous, and they can last generations, but they don’t regulate temperature well and are rough and crude.

I have often fantasized that someday I may be blessed with enough children to warrant a great white. In Anthony’s list of life accomplishments, this ranks just above a pilgrimage and just below seeing my children succeed. In any case, I have considered what makes the ultimate great white-trad mobile. The features, performance, and cost—all have been carefully researched and considered. Every conceivable trad-project (like transporting a wood burning stove 500 miles) has been considered.

The ultimate trad-bus is the Dodge/Mercedes Sprinter. Yes it is odd, and yes is it rather pricey, but we are talking about the ULTIMATE here!



The standard wheelbase model seats ten in individual bucket seats (not benches). The extended wheelbase model seats fourteen. Its high roofline allows for easy en-route diaper changes. It’s punchy turbo deisel engine delivers outstanding fuel efficiency. It has a 2-ton payload and a 2.5 ton towing capacity. It has more bed space with the seats removed than a typical pickup. It is considerably safer than its competition. Its turning radius is tighter than many cars, allowing for excellent church-parking lot escape abilities. About it’s only drawback is no available all wheel drive system in the United States. It is particularly annoying to me that Europeans can get 5-speed manual all wheel drive Sprinters and we cannot. Oh well.

(Images are non-copyright and courtesy of Wikipedia.org)