Humorous Quotations from my friends

#1: Dirty Joke

Setting: at my friend’s art show:

Quote: “Anthony, I have this great joke for you, but I can’t tell you in mixed company, better wait for Church on Sunday!”

#2: Precious Moments

Setting: Parish Library

“What’s a Precious Moments figurine?”

“A sickeningly saccharine porcelain doll. It’s as cute as Hello Kitty, but without the edginess.”

#3: Thwarting Nature

Setting: Near the door of the catechism classroom

“Contraception is wrong because it thwarts nature.”

“Well that must be wrong, holding your bowels is thwarting nature!

#4: Heresies

Setting: Parish Library

“The strange mixture of communism, radical Islam, lefebvrivism, misogyny, and epicureanism that you adhere to does not make you and authority on Church doctrine!”

#5: Fetishes

Setting: Parish library

“So you are also afflicted by the incurable mantilla fetish?”

#6: Church attendance

Setting: In the narthex after Mass

“Boy! Church attendance was low today.”

“Yea, everybody went to St Mary of the Air Conditioning.”

#7: Parents and children

Setting: after mass

“Now comes the part of the day when the children go to the bar for drinks and their parents have a pizza party.”

#8: The Spirit

Setting: Parish cafe

“So, what kind of Catholic are you? Conservative, liberal, traditionalist?

“I am a sprit of Nicea II Catholic!"

#9: Ecumenism

Setting: Parish library

“So you think you have a better idea of how to convert the Muslims?”

“Yes, all we have to do is send a bottle of Chartreuse to every mosque in America. We'll have them with their backs to the floor proclaiming the infinite wisdom of Holy Mother Church!

#10: Drinking

Setting: Parish library

“You know what they say, where there’s four Catholics, there’s a fifth!”

#11: Piety

Setting: Parish library, after discovering a volume of Encouters with the Eucharistic Heart of [random pious epithet] the Blessed [random pious epithet] Jesus by Sister Mary [pious epithet] Goodnun.

"If one more book written by a very pious nun about piety that pious church ladies buy for their pious children who piously ignore it is left in the library, we are going to have a little bonfire of the vanities."